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Catching up with the world...

I can't begin to explain everything that has happened in the past week.  I can say it included virtually no sleep until the wee hours this morning, and having finally caught more than an hour or two of shut I that I'm finally perking back up and feeling normalish.

I also can't begin to explain how blessed I am right now.  Between Neko, Carrie, Eric, Paul, Andrew and Owen I managed to get through this week.  So lets start with the beginning.

Chris had a rough time with his test scores.  This culminated in him checking himself in, which was the best thing he could of done... accept no one knew where he was.  When I put it like this, it doesn't sound like much.  I just know that I myself hit a spiral for the first time in a very long time.

While all of this was going on, I've been getting ready for the Boy to visit.  Last we heard his travel team had his itinerary.. but neither of us have seen it and with how crazy things are, I have my fingers crossed he'll actually make it to Austin.  The good news is that there's no snow in Denver tomorrow.  It'll break 60 there, weather looks good for flying.

I  should be more excited than I am, but I'm still  wee bit on the weird side from this week.

I think I'll make cookies. =)

This weeks Ramp Up!

This week has gotten off to an interesting start.  I'm actually on schedule with my homework, and done for the week (At least until Wednesday..) and I've finished prepping for my third graders.

Now.. well I'm sitting around with some amazing coffee (GO GO GO ESPRESSO GO!) and staring at the text document containing Between Our Worlds and after 10k of creative momentum, I'm finding myself stuck, trapped and otherwise behind a writers block the size of San Anotonio.

The last thing on the page before my blinking cursor: “You know, Al.  If I didn’t know you better, I would of thought you were attempting death by semi.”

I know what comes next - but the words just aren't really flowing today.  I've nixed about 2300 words and moved them into the scrap heap for possible use later.  /shrug

I think I'm going to take the show back home and perch on my porch and see if anything else comes out.  If not.. I guess I can fix the rest of the POV changes and some of tense issues that are in there.  Maybe that will get me some more forward momentum.  Then again.. the 16 shots of espresso might help once they hit my system.  = )

Maybe I need some more motivating music.  Who knows....."SOS she's sending stars... there's a she wolf in disguise coming out..."

HMM maybe the music will make a difference. 

The quarterly blues..

I'm not sure if I'[ve mentioned how much I dislike the end of quarter lately.  I do know that for those in the financial world that life won't return to the normal craziness that they're used to for at least two weeks.  During this time they fly all over the country (some of them the world) in order to report profits and losses to share, stock, and board members.  And while I had a decent idea of what I was getting myself into with the boy, I didn't think it would be like this for him, which, in turn, is bad for me.

The good news, in all this craziness that his visit will be an entire flight free.. not necessarily work free, 24 hours of the boy in Texas, particularly the black hole of American air travel part of Texas.  Still not sure what we're going to do since we actually have an evening now instead of just a few hours.  My brain is kinda mushy, even with my past dating experiences, I'm not actually sure what to do on a Saturday night in Austin that doesn't include Bats or Sixth Street.  (And I'm pretty sure that sitting still too long would mean out comes the cell phone or laptop and there starts the working...)

Lets add that UT has a home game that Saturday.. so things will only be a little crazier than normal.  With a flight that arrives 6-ish .. the question is can we do theater or something fun?  I don't know.

I know I shouldn't be nervous. 

Not gonna lie, I am.  Can't help it really. 

Yes, I am lame.

But between then and now I have Bible Study, a Sunday School class to teach, more Bible Study and hopefully a few full nights of sleep.. but that won't happen.  Though, if he keeps having random unscheduled meetings like this, I could manage more than 4 hours of sleep a night.. but I'm selfish, I just want to hear his voice. 

I have to be thankful that with things as crazy as they are right now that I get to talk to him at all.

I'm reduced to rambling.

Have a great night.

Some moments of joy

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid..

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid..

Majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands
Majesty, majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your majesty

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So here we go.. we're at it again

Life has been crazy in amazing ways. I've written recently about feeling like I'm living in side of a fairy tale. Why a fairytale? Well.. it's hard to describe. Years ago while I was still working for Dr. Gladi and Miss Ella I wrote out a list of qualities, characteristics and features found in the "perfect" mate.

Fancy that. Write about the person you want to bring into your life, pray for guidance and see what happens.

So, what exactly did Kit write down?

Well, here goes:
  • 6'3 to 6'5
  • light or dirty brown hair - has a tendency to grow it long
  • brown or green eyes
  • not out of shape - not over weight, someone to jog with
  • must love musicals and theatre
  • dislike heavy twangy country music - but love the rest
  • be someone I could share my faith with and be on a similar spiritual path
  • wants children
  • works with children/youth
  • has to understand the mentality of a survivor
  • a sense of humor that falls among the realm of sarcasm
  • sense of adventure
  • well traveled
  • has integrity and is honest
  • will randomly burst into song and dance
  • be a geek - like Star Trek and Star Wars
  • have an interest in video games but not be a serious gamer
  • loves to watch movies
  • financially sound
  • have a background in medicine
  • want to travel
  • encourage me to follow my dreams while being a part of them
  • someone I can talk to about anything
  • want to spend time with me without needing every minute of every day
  • has a sense of independence that doesn't exclude our relationship
  • has a similar like of crime/tv drama but doesn't live by the television
  • has a solid head on his shoulders
  • is Irish
  • genuine and authentic

There's a few more things in there, but I'm going to keep those ones for me.

I think it's just weir din a good way that something randomly hapenned and brought the man I described into my life.  Granted there are places the universe filled in extremes, but all I know is that I'm afraid in a good way.

I'm almost afraid for the hope, almost afraid of the possibility that someone I created on paper could be real.

I also know that when it comes down to it, I'm afraid to feel again.  I'm scared of falling, I'm scared of trusting and I'm scared of being transparent, but these things are who I am and what are happening.

Part of me doesn't understand, part of me doesn't want hope or for this to be a reality, but the only reason I feel that way is the fear of being hurt and rejected again.

Either way, no matter what happens, I see this as a win.  Even if things don't move forward romantically, I have an amazing man in my life who is an amazing friend.

Am I?

We all know it isn't often the I compose a post that isn't my eyes only, much less one for friends only. But lately, I've been working harder on that transparency thing that I've been writing about so often.

In all honesty, you'd see more about what I'm thinking and feeling on my FaceStalker, but it seems here I'm more verbose. I guess it's the lack of a character limit and my amazing rambling ability that just makes things easier.

So.. after my amazing 'Ode to Mac and Tab' that some of you were privileged to see, (and is still there for those on my friends list), even though my instincts say that post should be my eyes only, but at the same time I know that moving it over to that kind of filter just means ignoring the pink elephant in the room.

And in keeping the themes of the pink elephant, there is just so much happening, so many fears, so much to be contemplating. But so far, so good.

Part of me is terrified that this whole thing is going to work out. Part of me .. very fearful that it will completely explode in my face. I don't exactly fight into a world where people fly like my friends drive... and you're expected to own items made by specific designers or some of the people won't talk to you.

Am I trying to hard? Well, I thought I was but then realized I'm not exactly trying.. don't get me wrong .. I'm an active participant in this relationship so far, but I'm praying and just letting it go where god takes it.

What is, is.

Anyway, my carpool should be here soon. Hopefully traffic isn't too nightmarish. It's the perfect rainy fall day today and I'm determined to enjoy it and not heed my nightmares where my brain expounded on my fears.

Time for coffee and a nova lox bagel. NOM NOM NOM!

Prelude

I know that I have shared this song before. What I do not know is if I've shared with you the significance that this song has played in my life at this very moment. This song speaks of standing at the edge and facing it. "What a fateful ...night, what a grateful life.. light my agony and crucify me, void the law at the ninth hour".. at this moment, up until yesterday, there were things I never faced, never forgiven and defined me as a person and my hindered my interpersonal relationships my entire life. "Love reigns, rain on me, no more fear" I have faced the darkest pieces of my past, long before the anything defined me as an adult, and confessed them to myself, to others and finally turned them over to God. And now I forgive, and step of the edge, striving to be more transparent to all of you.

The song is Blind Guardian - the Edge

What will follow this evening is a friends only post with things that aren't children friendly that probably offers a lot of insights.

I love forward to your comments.

fairy tales could come true...

Over the past few years, just like everyone else, I've faced a lot of trials, hard times and scary difficulties. I know that I've struggled, a lot, with the loss of my nephew, the horrible misadventures in relationships and friendships, and loosing the ability to have any sort of transparency in my relationships with friends or family.

This changed through CR, but even that is different now. It's becoming something that leaves me feeling sad, withdrawn and worn out and fighting off the icy cold grips of depression that reach up out of no where and shake you to the core with feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

Not something positive ... it may have to do with the changes. Lately my support team seems to just have drifted off into nothingness. People quit, stop attending, friendships that were never truly solid fade away.

In this there is a struggle to maintain my sense of self. If anyone faced the.. well decade.. that I've had, they would likely be struggling too. But things have started changing. Granted these changes have been slow in the make, but they've been productive, positive and make me realize that there is the possibility of fairy tales coming true.

And for those of you who do keep up with me outside of LJ-land, you know that I'm in the middle of a fairy tale. People have noted that I'm independently and ridiculously happy, Vanessa says I'm glowing, and I feel like I am. I'm even told I'm pre-California happy.. that's pre-Marine and post high school fog of over achievement ecstatic Kitter Kat.

Why?

Ermm.. there's a man.. but lets start at the beginning.

First and foremost I am happy, independently from the growing relationship with said man.

Secondly, for the first time in my life... ever... I'm transparent with someone other than God. And we're both on this .. very surprised shocked state of .. well confusion.. in good ways.

Freedom because in our relationship we've been further exploring our relationships with others, and our relationship with God... and freedom because of the lack of fear of what the other thinks or feels.

It's different in so many ways that leave me excited about life.

So, the man himself will be flying in for an evening on the 17th of October. Excited.. yes, very much so. I think I'm asking for the day off because I'll be too giddy to be at work. Barby and I are talking about a possible shopping/girly day, we'll probably bring Bonnie.. which will be amazing! I can has pictures of me with the girls too. =D

There's mentionings of Eric flying in for the Christmas party too.. but so far things are all still tentative. Tentatively seeing each other, tentatively dating.. tentatively everything... we still have to formulate a battle plan.. something where we sit down together and actually decide what we want out of our relationship.

We have ideas but that's something we have to address together.

I know I shouldn't place all my thoughts, hope, distractions, etc into one basket. I've already been taught that lesson and have learned it well. But for now, I'm just being a dork and counting down the days and half wishing I could wake up and find out it's the 16th and actually have a few moments of appropriately related anxiety and excitement.

I think my brain melted out my ears!

Alas, I have trainees today. Lunch is nearly over....

Perhaps the best description is that I am appropriately optimistic?

Welcome back Kitter...

So, here we are, actually writing a public post. You should be shocked. My adventures and misadventures since Zachary passed away were definitely interesting to say the least, but I seem to be back with all that time bottled up and threatening to explode with creativity. The only problem is that my ear hasn't quite yet recovered from the recent infection, but within ten days I should have something more than conductive resonance. Definitely worth a cheer or two there.

In the past year, Hunter and I have both moved out of the house on Nuttall Dr to a place pretty close to the church where I am now not only a Sunday School Teacher (Third Graders.. yes.. I'm pretty sure I'm crazy..) but also involved in leadership for our Woman's Ministry. My spiritual birthday was July 25 of 2008 and my baptism was celebrated on September 10th (just a little less than two weeks ago.

A lot of other good things have happened. For instance I finally have rights secured for both my intellectual properties. The rights for Between Our Worlds once again belong to me.. though they kept three chapters, and Finding Lulu has been approved by Paul Sams as being owned by me after a review of the summary and the outline.

So here I am, pretty much brain dead on an unintended and wasted four day weekend through which I did nothing but sleep... and talk on the phone. It's a good thing I have free nights and weekends!

For now, I'll be attempting to recover my intellectual mind and make heads or tails of the notes I made on te original Between Our Worlds manuscript and enjoy some soup while I'm at it.

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